I Take A Pill Every Night

I take a pill every night before I go to bed.

I’m not quite sure what it’s supposed to feel like when it’s working.

There are potential side effects, just like any medication can have. Luckily this one won’t slowly kill my kidneys over the next 25 years or make my brain fuzzy. There’s just the potential for dizziness, constipation, and a rash that could burn with the fire of a thousand suns. But that mainly shows up in children.

I’m glad I’m not a child anymore, though I often wish I was.

It has taken a lot to get where I am now.

Doctors appointments, psychologist appointments, waiting too long, psychiatrist appointments, getting too busy, falling apart, wanting to end it, help from friends, psychiatrist appointments, thinking I can do it on my own, doctors appointments, guilt, psychiatrist evaluations, love, being told I can’t do it on my own, denial, psychiatrist appointments, realizing I can’t just will myself into getting better, more love, and now, medication.

Medication that I can’t feel working on me yet.

We’re slowly upping the dose, and I can’t start feeling like myself just yet.

And yet I do feel like myself.

What is supposed to change?

How will it feel?

Will I be able to sleep?

Will I stop feeling like I’m sinking into the quicksand that my mind creates?

Will I still be able to feel as happy as I know is possible?

Will it matter?

I take a pill every night before I go to bed.

I’m not quite sure what it’s supposed to feel like when it’s working.

But I hope it does.

P.S. Foals has a new album out. It’s called “What Went Down”, and it’s unreal.