We Are All Young and Courageous

I lay on the floor and listen to music a lot.

There is something about setting my subwoofer to the perfect level, not enough to shake the house, but just enough to feel the floor vibrate as music washes over me.

It’s like being on a tropical beach and having warm water lap at your feet while you enjoy the sun.

Expect this week hasn’t been sunny for me.

I spent Sunday and Monday at the Crisis Stabilization Unit. It’s a place that people get referred to and sent to for just a few days if they need a safe place to pull themselves back together. I was there because I was having suicidal thoughts again. I called the Suicide Hotline early Sunday morning and then got dropped off to spend some time in what is the hospital version of a monitored dormitory.

It’s a quiet place, if you want it to be. I read a whole book, and slept a lot, and tried to focus on everything positive in my life.

I don’t feel like killing myself today.

But I’m tired. So tired. I keep equating it to the feeling you might have if you woke up early after getting not enough sleep, had to work a full day where your boss did nothing but yell at you for being an awful employee, you spilled your coffee on yourself and then to top it all off, you bought one ply toilet paper so that when you got home you accidentally sandpapered your butt. It feels like that every day.

I’m behind in school, and feel like I’m kind of behind in life as a result.

So I spent a lot of time laying on my floor this week, listening to music.

I listened specifically to Tides of Man’s new album, Young and Courageous. The title track powered me forward. It feels like putting one foot in front of another, but with purpose, with a mission.

And that’s what I feel like I need. My mission isn’t glorious or prestigious. My mission is to get back to being able to do things that I liked before. To do things that I need to do. Buying groceries is a victory. Keeping my room clean is a victory.

All of us are struggling with our own problems, in our own lives. We all have obstacles that seem insurmountable. Sometimes I think that I’ll never get better, or get back to the way I was before. But there are people in my life who remind me that I can do it. There are people who remind me that together, we are all young and courageous.